The 21st-century 20-something

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I've Been Single for my Entire Life, Too

I think as human beings, when we're going through something or evaluate how we feel about certain things, we tend to think we're the only person in the world with the problem and no one anywhere could possibly understand what we're going through.

Today, I learned that's not true.

I read an excellent blog post on HuffPost called 'I've Been Single For My Entire Life' by Katie Heaney, author of the book "Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date."

Katie is 25, like myself, and has never had a serious relationship or even a real date to speak of:

"And I don't mean that I haven't had any major long-term relationships, or that I haven't dated anyone in a really long time, or that I've only dated people for a few months at a time. I mean that I have been wholly and totally single for my entire life. Not one boyfriend. Not one short-term dating situation. Not one person with whom I regularly hung out and kissed on the face."

She talks in the post about being the only one of her friends who has been single for so long, and doesn't really know of anyone else who shares that experience. Well, Katie, you and I are kindred spirits, I suppose, because I am also a Bermuda Triangle (a term she uses to compare herself to her constantly-dating friends that she calls 'lighthouses'.)

Personally, I have always felt quite fortunate that I've never felt the need to be in a relationship. I never felt insecure or bad about myself for not dating anybody, I just figured eventually it will happen like it does with everyone else. Right? Well at 25, that logic starts to crumble while you slowly but surely become the last person you know to never have dated anyone. Then you start to develop this sentiment:

"Sometimes it feels like this is something I should be worried about. Sometimes, during a couple days every month in particular, I want to spend some time lying on the floor and feeling like there must be something terribly wrong with me. I am at the point in my life where I no longer know another person in my shoes."

For the most part, I really don't think anything is fundamentally wrong with me that makes me un-datable, but every once in a while I have to look at it from an outside perspective and realize that perhaps, there is. The most frustrating part I find about that realization as that you can acknowledge it, but if you don't know what the problem is you can't really fix it.

You can only chalk up being single to bad timing, high standards and the 'I don't want to be tied down' excuse so many times before it really starts to get weird.

Then you start to get bitter. You look at girls with boyfriends or long-term relationships and say to yourself, "I'm way cuter, funnier, and more intelligent than her. WTF." Then you start to feel like a judgmental bitch and realize that you're just being a hater. But those thoughts start to pop up more often the further along you go as a single lady.

It also starts to work against you as time goes on. Because when you meet someone at 25 who has never been in a relationship, you think something has to be wrong with them. I mean if no one anywhere has been attracted to you enough to date you then you must be seriously psychologically damaged, an intolerable bitch or a serial killer. I can't say that if I met someone my age who has been single their entire life that I wouldn't think it was kind of weird. So how can I blame others for sharing the same sentiment?

I am by no means perfect and I have my moments of being intolerable, but I think I'm still young enough to stick to my guns. At 25 I refuse to settle just to fit into the social norms of the dating world. I'm not going to join or date someone I'm not truly attracted to just to look 'normal.' I think I'm lucky that I have other things going on in my life to focus on and have never been at risk of falling into a black hole of depression because I'm single.

So Katie, let's embrace it! Yes, we are unlike the majority of people our age. So? Who's to say what's normal? A string of unsuccessful, unfulfilling or boring relationships don't sound that interesting to me either. I can't say I would change my past even if I could.

I've been single for my entire life. But I think for now, I'm perfectly fine with that.

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Anonymous Amanda DeCarolis said...

Well Kali the single guys out there don't know what they are missing. This has made you a stronger women. As Gianna would say you will find you "prince charming" when the time is right. You are intelligent, beautiful inside and out, generous, funny, thoughtful, giving, kind, caring, loyal, brave, trustworthy, honest, hard working, admirable, sympathetic, understanding, sensitive, genuine, open-mined, considerate, inspiring, smart, loving, and the list goes on. So kali continue being that "person", you are a role model to all women out there! I love you girl... Keep strong and continue to inspire others...... xoxo Tonight I will have a glass of wine in honor of you, Katie and all the women who stay true to themselves. Stag strong <3

January 16, 2014 at 4:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice post! I found your blog while looking for the author's you're responding to. I too was single until I was about 25 when I met my wife (I am male). We can let the self doubt rule our lives and shape our interactions or we can embrace the authenticity to our choices and let them empower us as people with unique perspectives. Live your life and never let others dictate your definition of "healthy choices."

January 16, 2014 at 4:44 PM  
Blogger Troy Aldrich said...

I am a 43 year old Single Male. I have NEVER Dated,Been Kissed,Touched. I am craving all of that. Plus I have no Brothers or sisters which does not help the cause. I want to know what intercourse feels like.

January 17, 2014 at 2:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 42 year old man. In my case I've remained single because I'm attracted to men. I don't think that being gay is wrong in any sense, and everyone has the right to live their own life, but for me it's not a lifestyle I wish to pursue. This is not out of fear of what other people would think of me (in fact I've found that most people just assume that you're gay if you never seem to have partners). It's a decision I've made based on what I think is right for me, I always dreamed of marrying and having children, but it would be wrong for me to ruin somebody's life by embarking on a relationship based on no real attraction. Therefore I remain single and try to keep busy. It's a lonely life that I would not recommend if you have other options. Sadly, sometimes dreams and desires really are out of reach.

February 9, 2015 at 3:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Youve made me feel better about being a 27 year old dateless male who has yet to lose his virginity. It never used to bother me until my early 20s. When all my friends started getting girlfriends and were talking about their troubles with girls I got pissed off. I tend to go through whiney bitch periods every through months because I'm getting to the point where I need to settle down. Ive been rejected so many times and each time it hurts worse than a stake piecing through my chest. I feel like now if I somehow scored a date she would reject me because she wouldn't want to have sex with a virgin. Some women are like that. I do get bitter around other couples especially when they make out right in front of me. I always felt like there was something wrong with me and that ive missed out on such a huge part of my early life. I have so much love to give yet no one to give it to. Its so frustrating. I have currently fallen for a woman who is perfect for me. We get along. We like the same things. Yet am afraid pursue because ive since learnt that the illusion is safer than reality. I learnt that the hard way. Because of the support you guys have given my i will continue to pursue this woman.

February 23, 2015 at 7:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 23, single and have never been on a date. I have Asperger's syndrome, OCD and ADHD. I am also very pessimistic and when I was only 13 I made Prediction that I will die single, it seems that my prediction may indeed happen. I honestly feel like I am unlovable even though I'M very kind and sweet to everyone since my personality is very giving. I give money to nearly every homeless person I see and I donate money to charities often. What should I do to get some good karma for once!

March 18, 2015 at 9:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 33 year old single male. I have always been single as well. I am a genuine honest sincere man who longs for a committed relationship. I have made good fortune trading stocks, and worked hard to become a medical doctor. I might not be tall or buffed enough, but I am certainly quite charming in appearance. Women never understand why I have always been single when I seem to be that perfect guy. I was hurt when I was in High school. I was nice kind and very considerate to others, but girls didn't like me back then rather they were fucking my douche bag cousin who lives next to my room. A girl who I had feelings for also fell for him who treated her as meat and dumped her as trash. I resent women for not loving me. I worked hard to gain wealth and social status and to be in a good shape. When I finally feel that I can attract most women out there, I feel so empty. I still resent women for not loving me when I was a nobody. I push everyone who wants to be with me away. I hate them for wasting their time dating people not worthy and left me sad and working hard by myself. I blame women for not waiting to meet me and I blame myself for not being attractive enough back in the days to save them from douche bags. I just rejected another girl I have strong feelings for today and I feel so sad that I cannot give love to her and make her happy. I am hurt and feeling guilt. I hate myself.

May 6, 2015 at 1:05 AM  

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